When we last left off, Joe Patroni was on the tarmac at Salt Lake City International Airport with his ‘wife’ and ‘son’, who have just survived the emergency landing of Columbia Airlines Flight 409. And as already stated in my previous post, we are left with many unanswered questions about Joe Patroni’s seemingly sketchy past, the least of which being why Gloria Swanson was on Flight 409 in the first place. Gloria Swanson notwithstanding, there are no easy answers, at least not right now. Fortunately, the Joe Patroni saga isn’t over yet.

Two years have passed since that fateful day in Salt Lake, and Airport 1975 had raked in big bucks at the box-office. Although it was surpassed by both The Towering Inferno and Earthquake (also starring George Kennedy and Charlton Heston), Airport 1975’s return on investment was huge, prompting Universal bean counters to see if they could exploit Arthur Hailey’s original novel further, so they tossed the novel aside and let brand awareness to do the work for them.

Airport ‘77

Released: 1977

Dir. Jerry Jamison

It’s kind of wrong to call Airport ’77 an ‘Airport’ movie.  The film is only situated at Dulles International for about 77 seconds. On the other hand, calling a movie ’77 just sounds stupid, so I guess Airport ’77 is as good a title as any.

Anyway, two years after the events of Airport 1975, multi-millionaire Philip Stevens (James Stewart) has invited a vast array of guests to his Palm Beach estate, who are nothing like the riffraff onboard Columbia 409. He is shuttling them down from Washington on his super private, super neat, super state of the art 747 (it has a tabletop Pong game, and a laser disc player!), along with some priceless artwork that he wants to share with the world.

Unfortunately, a gang of art thieves have other ideas. The gang, who sound like a law firm, led by Chambers, Banker, and Wilson (Robert Foxworth, Monte Markham, and Michael Pataki) infiltrate the Stevens organization, posing as the co-pilot, and laborer/stewards. Their plan is meticulous, carefully planned right down to flying the 747 out over the Bermuda Triangle(!), where authorities are unlikely to find them.

Meanwhile, the Stevens Organization’s chief pilot Capt. Don Gallagher (Jack Lemmon), who has worked closely with Chambers, suspects nothing. Expecting a routine flight, Gallagher is looking forward to having a quiet dinner with his girlfriend Chief Stevens Flight Attendant Eve Clayton (Benda Vaccaro).

While Banker, Wilson and some unnamed minions are stealthy preparing the plane for their nefarious scheme, the passengers, and future Love Boat guest stars, board the aircraft of luxury bound for adventure. We are treated to movie of the week backstories, as well as the charming and loveable Karen Wallace (Lee Grant) the evil, vile, selfish wife of kind, noble, humanitarian Martin Wallace (Christopher Lee). Along with Emily Livingston (Olivia de Havilland) and Nicholas St. Downs III (Joseph Cotton), the Wallace’s’ are the most interesting of the passengers. Olivia de Havilland and Joseph Cotton truly come across as two friends who have not seen each other in years. Their scenes together are nice.

Finally, Steven’s Flight 23 takes to the air. But not for long.

Capt. Gallagher is lured out of the cockpit and knocked out. Wilson releases sleeping gas that knocks out everyone else. Chambers takes control of the plane, flies below radar contact, and out over the dreaded Bermuda Triangle. A weather front moves in, and Flight 23 disappears into a fog bank where the plane’s starboard wing clips an oil rig, and crashes into the sea and sinks. The fuselage is for the most part intact as is the all-star cast.

An overriding question: if Flight 23 is in the Bermuda Triangle, why is the oil rig even there? Wouldn’t it have disappeared like everything else? Never mind, I’m too tired.

The second overriding question: where the heck is Joe Patroni?! Well, weep no more! About an hour into the story, our hero shows up!

Patroni, now owner of his own company, consults with the U.S. Navy acting as a liaison. He brings Stevens up to date, seeming to talk to Stevens as if he is a five-year-old, reassuring him that the passengers can be saved. Nice work Joe.

Back on Das Plane, Capt. Gallagher and Stan Buchek (Darren McGavin), the plane’s resident expert, assess the damage and come up with a scheme to send a guy to the surface with an emergency beacon. Wallace, an expert scuba diver volunteers to go with Gallagher, more or less to get away from his wife.

When the hatch that Gallagher is trying to open electronically fails, Wallace steps in to open it manually. This results in the expert scuba diver immediately knocking himself out and drowning. Regardless, Gallagher pops up on the surface, turns on the beacon and within moments is found.

The Navy has the plan and equipment to raise the jumbo jet. If only they knew the stress points of the Stevens jet. No fear, this is a job for Joe Patroni! And he does not disappoint. Joe heroically, via radio, passes on a couple of figures to Gallagher and gracefully fades from the movie…

Three short scenes, and maybe ten lines of dialogue. Crickets.

In a span of two years Patroni has gone from Vice-President of Operations for Columbia Airlines to owning his own company. Very impressive I’d say. What kind of company is this? Joe’s Airplane Repair and Charm School? Unfortunately, the movie isn’t telling us. All Patroni does is provide a couple of random numbers that the Navy should have known already. None of the questions from Airport 1975 are answered. None.

You’d think perhaps Patroni is in the witness protection program or something, but everyone seems to know who he is, so that isn’t an answer. Only the question of Patroni’s company is offered. Is it some sort of fly by night operation? Patroni Used Airplanes and Live Bait? ‘Come on down, let’s make a deal! Your planes for my cash!’ Hell if I know.

By the way, the Navy successfully raise the 747. It doesn’t go perfectly, a couple of passengers die, the loss of the priceless art goes completely unnoticed, none of the Navy ships disappear in the dreaded ‘triangle’, and Chambers, the only surviving hijacker, is crushed to death by a couch. The end.

Airport ’77 is probably the blandest of the ‘Airport’ films. It’s well made and everything. Decent cast. Christopher Lee is way better than he needs to be. It’s a shame he couldn’t stay around a little longer. Brenda Vaccaro delivering a brilliantly executed right cross to Lee Grant is definitely a highlight, but Airport ’77 just takes itself way too seriously. No really.

Although I do have to say, the humor that does manage to escape from the film is unintentional. Once the plane is raised from the depths and the passengers are escaping, Eddie the bartender (Robert Hooks), who has a horribly fractured leg, is being carried out onto the plane’s wing. Everyone carrying him tumble out the door. ‘Ow! My leg!’ And pile on top of him. To add further insult to injury, Eddie is rather carelessly placed in a Zodiac, where passengers again pile in on him. ‘Watch my leg!’ He screams in agony and horror. Yes, under the circumstances, a less than graceful exit from the plane would be realistic, and this defiantly qualifies. I like to think this was all unplanned and everyone, especially Mr. Hooks, went along with it for the sake of realism.

Who knows, maybe I’m mistaking seriousness for professionalism.

In the case of Joe Patroni, however, things are getting more serious with each film. Unanswered questions, why the mystery about his company. And all the unanswered questions about his ‘wife’ and ‘son’ as well as Marie and the kids. None of this is addressed, leaving me very disappointed.

So now, let’s get serious, perhaps The Concorde: Airport ’79 can shed some light on the enigma that is Joe Patroni.

To be continued…