By the end of Airport ’77 we cannot help but wonder if Joe Patroni is the only one to disappear into the Bermuda Triangle, along with all the carefully documented unanswered questions. Lord knows the Devil’s Triangle does not give up its secrets easily. The only thing new offered is Joe’s phantom company, Patroni’s Gently Used Airplane Parts and Stress Points. What was clear, Universal hit the jackpot again with another huge return on investment.

Audiences were still hungry for disaster films, but the films themselves where becoming hit and miss affairs as studios were cranking out hastily produced films with increasingly less than special effects and much of their budgets going towards the all-star casts who were still being attracted to the easy pay cheques. And scripts amounted to writers crossing out ‘burning building’ and writing in ‘killer bees’.

Universal, however, wanted to stay with their tried-and-true formula that was Airport. They also realized it was the eve of the 1980s, flying cars and video phones were just around the corner. So, they needed to upgrade the aircraft. The obvious choice, The Concorde: Airport ’79.

Released: August 1979

Directed by: David Lowell Rich

Cast: Alain Delon, Susan Blakely, Robert Wagner, Sylvia Kristel, Eddie Albert, Bibi Anderson, Charo, Pierre Jalbert, John Davidson, Andrea Marcovicci, Martha Raye, Cicely Tyson, Jimmie Walker, David Warner, Mercedes McCambridge, Avery Schreiber, Sybil Danning, and George Kennedy as ‘Patroni.’

At Dulles International Airport, Federation World Airlines president Eli Sands (Eddie Albert) is taking delivery of a new Concorde, flying in from Paris. The delivery isn’t incident free, as a balloon carrying Concorde protesters bobs above the Dulles runway. Don’t worry, this has absolutely nothing to do with the plot, other than to establish that Sands’ new acquisition is cursed. What is important is Maggie Whalen (Susan Blakely), a plucky Washington reporter, has discovered her boyfriend Kevin Harrison (Robert Wagner), weapons manufacturer, gunrunner, and man about town, sold weapons to communist countries during the Cold War. Maggie has the documents to prove it and is taking the evidence with her to Moscow where she’ll be reporting on the Moscow Olympics. Fortunately, the Concorde is flying to Moscow, via Paris, with more future Love Boat and Fantasy Island guest stars, and Maggie is booked to be on it.

Naturally, Harrison decides to destroy the Concorde, Maggie and the incriminating evidence with his new, state of the art Buzzard Attack Drone.

Sands employed the best pilots for his maiden flight. Capt. Paul Metrand (Alain Delon) and Capt. Joe Patroni (George Kennedy). Huh? Capt. Joe Patroni? What happened to Patroni’s Stress Point company? More puzzling still Patroni tells Metrand that he’s been a pilot for 30+ years, flown in three wars (The War of the Roses, The Crimean War, The French and Indian War?) and no mention of ever being a crack airplane mechanic, and trouble-shooter for at least two major airlines.

We do learn that Joe Jr. is starting college, studying medicine, and Joe’s wife Helen has sadly died in a car accident a year before, so he’s horny and ready to fly.

Anyway, the Concorde takes off for Paris and Harrison arranges a test launch of the Buzzard, where the computer guidance system is conveniently set to malfunction and send the missile into Concorde’s airspace. The seatbelt sign is turned on and Patroni tells his passengers that they will be making some slight course corrections, and promptly rolls the plane.

The U.S. Air Force intervenes, Harrison’s plan fails, and the Concorde continues on its merry way.

Not accepting defeat so easily, Harrison decides to fly to Paris himself, while arranging to have the Concorde shot down by an unmarked, rogue fighter jet. The Concorde passengers are in for even more Mach 2 rolling and slight course corrections.

The rogue fighter jet launches a heat seeking missile. The Concorde is doomed. Thinking fast, Patroni does what any good aviator would do under similar circumstances, he opens the window, at Mach 2, sticks his arm out and fires a flare gun. Let that sink in for a moment.

The plan works, so the rogue fighter fires another missile, but Patroni’s flare gun jams, so he does the next best thing, he fires it in the cockpit. Whose side is Patroni on? Anyway, no harm done, and the French Air Force shows up. The Concorde goes into a power dive, sending the rogue jet into the drink, while the air force takes care of the missiles. Welcome to Paris, we hope you enjoyed your flight.

The Concorde lays over for the night for repairs. Harrison, not content to give up, has a minion sabotage the cargo hatch so the plane will disintegrate in mid-air. Meanwhile, we are treated to a Joe Patroni love scene. Why thank you movie. You’re very welcome.

Bright and early the next afternoon the Concorde takes off for Moscow, almost hitting Harrison’s minion who’s running across the runway fleeing the police. I don’t know why Harrison just doesn’t throw the kitchen sink at the plane; he’s hurled everything else at it. Maybe that’s what he should have started with, chucking a kitchen sink at the Concorde, nobody would see that coming.

It doesn’t take long for the Moscow leg of the flight to go wrong as the cargo hatch starts to open and slowly starts eating away at the plane’s structural integrity and stress points. Finally, the hatch blows completely, a hole is blown in the floor that nearly sucks out Sands. The Concorde is crippled and won’t make it to the nearest airport.

Fortunately, they are flying over the Alps. The Alps are teaming with ski resorts, and Metrand has a contact at the nearest one. The Alpine patrol put together a slalom course for the Concorde to land on and Patroni and Metrand bring the plane in.

The Concorde slides to a gold medal winning finish, unfortunately the Winter Olympics are being held in Lake Placid. Everyone escapes before the wreckage explodes. The Concorde’s tail unceremoniously flops to one side. The music swells. Dissolve to the Concorde in flight, silhouetted against the setting sun. Fade to black. Roll credits. Ask for your money back.

If you take The Concorde: Airport ’79 seriously you shouldn’t even be walking around. Taking it seriously will only drive you mad.

At the very least, the previous two Airport sequels at least tried to make their aviation and rescue details somewhat accurate and arguably plausible. The Concorde seems to have gotten its technical details from a Bugs Bunny cartoon. This is appropriate given that most of the aerial special effects would have looked better if they had been accomplished with hand drawn animation. A very nice miniature of the Concorde was filmed with some of the worst rear projection effects you are likely to see. Creating physically impossible maneuvers. I feel really bad for the model makers.

Not so special effects aside, as serious drama The Concorde: Airport ’79 is almost as funny as 1980’s Airplane!. Goofy sub plots in the passenger cabin are pointless. Cicely Tyson is given the thankless task of ‘delivering a donor heart to her dying son in Paris’ storyline, as the plane does barrel rolls across the Atlantic. Once the plane is on the ground, clutching the hearts container, Miss Tyson flees the aircraft thankful to be out of the movie.

Stage and screen comedian Martha Raye has a running gag about poor bladder control. The joke, not that funny to begin with, is beaten to death. There is a payoff however, ‘The bathroom is broken.’ Well, I guess the gaping hole in the bottom of the airplane will work just as well.

Plus, there’s Jimmie Walker, John Davidson, and Charo, the cuchi-cuchi girl herself in a totally bizarre cameo, adding to the festivities. It just goes on. Other than Robert Wagner’s character shooting himself in the face, nothing seems resolved. Do we really care?

This brings us back to Joe Patroni.

In 1970 George Kennedy lifted Arthur Hailey’s literary creation off the page and brought Joe Patroni to life, as if Hailey had Kennedy in mind when he created the character. Patroni ’75 and ’77 are shadows of the original character. Patroni ’79 is an outright imposter.

When Concorde is being repaired in Paris, the Joe Patroni I know would be AT the airport supervising the repairs, and NOT sleeping with a high-priced call girl. Patroni ’79, along with the rest of the characters, show a shocking lack of concern for the events of the past few hours. He never questions the multiple attempts to shoot down his plane. Making no inquiries with authorities or signs of emotional trauma. No, it’s a double date with Metrand at a quaint Parisian restaurant, followed by some hot lovin’ with a floozie.

Patroni ’70 was a gruff, no-nonsense guy, who wants to get the job done, ‘The way you guys keep hiding in this bus it’s like you’ve got a broad stashed in there! Everybody out! Let’s move this airplane before it becomes obsolete!’. Now, he’d never make a crack like that if there were ladies present. However, Patroni ’79, to one of the flight attendants, ‘Now you know why they call it the cockpit, honey.’ Haw. Haw! Haw!! Oy.

I don’t know what happened to Joe Patroni, but this is definitely not him. This guy shows little dedication, concern aside from his own ‘needs’, and his problem-solving skills are at best reckless. So that’s the only conclusion I can make, this is not Joe Patroni at all. And the one question I am left with is when did the switch take place? I’m too fed up with the whole subject to explore it any further.

George Kennedy was a fine actor, as shown in the original Airport, as well as his Oscar winning performance as Dragline n 1967s’ Cool Hand Luke. He supplied good supporting performances in many films through the 60s, 70s, and finally a terrific comedic turn in the three Naked Gun movies of the 80s-90s. So, I don’t want to come off as though I’m dumping on Mr. Kennedy or his talent. As an actor he’s hired to do a job, and work with the director. The director, good or bad, commands the ship. Some actors fight for their characters, making them as real and convincing as possible. It just might be as the Airport sequels progressed, and the quality deteriorated, the character of Joe Patroni and what he was becoming just wasn’t worth fighting for. It’s a shame the producers of these films didn’t keep the character true to its origins. That’s not George Kennedy’s fault, that’s Hollywood.

The one saving grace in The Concorde: Airport ’79 is that it is so unintentionally funny, making it totally watchable, preferably with friends, some snack food, and your favorite beverage. So, enjoy the insanity and revel in the fact that not one passenger complains (‘Oh Miss, these nuts are stale!’), and the complete lack of lawsuits filed. I don’t know how much the screenwriter got for writing this, but he should have gotten life.

The file on Joe Patroni is now closed. But please, enjoy Airport, and its sequels for what they are, entertainment, first and foremost. Please return folding trays and seatbacks to an upright position and enjoy your flight.

Airport, Airport 1975, Airport ’77, and The Concorde: Airport ’79 are available on DVD and Blu-ray in the Airport Terminal Pack from Universal Home Video. Airport is also available in a DVD/Blu-ray Combo Pack also from Universal Home Video.