Released: November 1964

Directed By: Nicholas Webster

Cast: John Call, Leonard Hicks, Vincent Beck, Bill McCutcheon, Victor Stiles, Donna Conforti, Chris Month, Pia Zadora.

It was the middle of Septober on the planet Mars, and Kimar (Leonard Hicks) was concerned. His children, Bomar (Chris Month) and Girmar (Pia Zadora), were addicted to watching Earth programs on the video scope. If you saw the programs the kids were watching, you’d be concerned as well. KID-TV was broadcasting live from Santa’s Workshop in beautiful downtown the North Pole, where correspondent Andy Anderson (Ned Wertimer) was interviewing Mr. Claus (John Call) about the impending Christmas holiday. Bomar and Girmar begin to question their existence on Mars and their place in the universe. What is a Christmas? Who is Santa Claus? And how can we get in on this racket?

              Fearing rebellion, Kimar consults the ancient sage Chochem (Carl Don) on what to do. Chochem, a rather long-winded fellow, advises that the children need to be children again, and not the emotionless duds they’ve evolved into. The kids need to learn the fine art of play, and most importantly they need Santa Claus at all costs. Chochem hacks this out just in time before he explodes into oblivion. No really.

              Kimar immediately assembles a crack Martian assault force and blasts off for Earth in a giant cigarette lighter. Their mission: kidnap Santa Claus and bring him back to Mars.

              The Martian assault force descends on upstate New York, kidnap young Billy (Victor Stiles) and Betty (Donna Corforti), who inform Kimar that the real Santa resides at the North Pole. Kimar and his team bungle their way to the North Pole, where Billy and Betty escape. The Martians unleash Torg, a highly advanced robot made from a cardboard box painted silver, a bucket and other assorted bits, to find the kids who are currently being threatened by a man in a polar bear costume.

               The kids are recaptured and thrown in the brig. Meanwhile, Kimar is saddled with a mutinous crew member, Voldar (Vincent Beck), who questions Kimar’s actions, and wants nothing more than to destroy Billy and Betty along with Santa Claus and keep Mars Martian. The Martians storm Santa’s Workshop, where Santa immediately surrenders unconditionally, and agrees to go to Mars.

              Back on the spaceship, Billy and Betty are befriended by Dropo (Bill McCutcheon), the worlds stupidest Martian, who begins to indoctrinate the kids to life on Mars. As usual, Dropo fails, and Billy and Betty become depressed. Even the presence of Santa can’t snap them out of their despair.

              An attempt is made on the lives of Billy, Betty, and Santa by Voldar. The kids and Santa are saved in a way only top-notch editing can, by cutting to the next scene. Voldar gets off with a stern talking to from Kimar.

              On Mars, Bomar and Girmar meet Billy and Betty. The meeting is clouded with indifference, that might be dissipated with a Santa/Dropo death match, but no such luck. Although Santa could probably drop Dropo in 7.5 seconds flat with eight tiny reindeer tied behind his back.

              Kimar has a toy factory built, with Santa in charge, and the kids as free labour. Through the magic of automation the factory begins to pump out some pretty lame toys. No matter, it all seems to be going quite well. They make five toys, and Santa calls it a day.

              Meanwhile, Voldar is plotting to destroy Santa, and if possible, overthrow Kimar as an added bonus. He hires Stobo (Al Nesor) and Shim (Joe Elic), who apparently came highly recommended, as henchmen. Unfortunately for Voldar, and the audience, Stobo and Shim make Skeletor’s henchmen look like skilled assassins. Undaunted, Voldar moves forward with his plans.

              Elsewhere, Dropo is trying on Santa’s threads, when a light bulb goes off. Why can’t he go to the toy factory, as Santa, and make lame toys, thus increasing production and making up for any shortfalls? This is pretty advanced thinking for Dropo, considering Santa’s Toy Factory isn’t in the business of manufacturing brains.

              At the toy factory, Voldar and his team, thinking they’ve captured Santa, take Dropo prisoner. Voldar sabotages the toy making machine. The next morning Santa and the kids discover the toy making machine is now making really cool toys, like baseball bats combined with tennis racquets. The toy factory suffers another setback.

              Voldar and Stobo confront Kimar with their demands, but upon discovering they captured the wrong Santa their plan falls apart in an action-packed climax that would rival the destruction of Blofeld’s volcano lair. Dropo outwits Shim, by switching a couple of coloured lightbulbs, escapes and returns to the toy factory. Santa, seeing the shocking resemblance between himself and Dropo, thinks Dropo would make a fantastic Martian Santa. The kids couldn’t agree more, as Billy and Betty would be getting the good Santa back. Christmas on both Mars and Earth are saved.

              Bomar and Girmar are now happy, as Kimar sends their new friends, Santa, Betty and Billy back to Earth. Unfortunately, due to a navigational programing ‘error’, the spaceship is sent directly into the sun. Merry Christmas.

              Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is a stupid movie.

              Although the portrayal of Martian society is interesting conjecture, with a strong class divide between Martians who are quite smart, and Martians who are incredibly stupid. There seems to be no middle class. However, it does appear that in many cases smart Martians do work side by side with their incredibly stupid counterparts. Dropo is a valued member of Kimar’s family, and of course will go on to become the greatest folk hero in Martian history, Dropo Claus. Not bad for a really dumb guy.

The fact remains, the movie is filled with unrealistic situations, humor that would insult single celled organisms, annoying characters, it’s more than once you pray for Dropo’s untimely death, a soul destroying musical score, a dumb looking robot, a cast you feel incredibly embarrassed for, a theme song that would drive the Dalai Lama to violence, and the notion that a Martian invasion could be thwarted with stock footage.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians leaves you in a state of despair that almost makes death seem preferable. However it’s not all bad, the movie is featured on Mystery Science Theatre 3000, and turns out to be one of that shows finest episodes. So, if you insist on watching Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, this Christmas, or anytime for that matter, MST3K is definitely the way to go. Otherwise, you’re better off driving a nail into your head and watching The Beast of Yucca Flats, starring Tor Johnson instead. You’re welcome.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is available in the public domain and can be found practically anywhere, in multiple formats and makes a dandy doorstop. The Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version is available on DVD from Shout Factory! Or steaming on Tubi, Roku or the Shout Factory! Channel.